Ok this week has been a bit of a struggle with hospital/doctors appointments everyday this week apart from Friday. I was also extremely fatigued due to by B12 injection being die which I wincingly but gratefully received on Thursday. I also had my first proper CBT session after it was out on hold when I was admitted back in June. It was positive and I felt good and excited to start my homework. Friday also arrived and I felt excited about brother Chris coming to visit and Ash bought me a beautiful unicorn surprise! He is called Black and he is “the brave one” and he joins my previous unicorn called Mia “the calm one”. Two very appropriate companions to help guide me I feel!
However, the feeling of relief at having survived the week was short lived when my dream unicorn bubble was burst that Friday evening.
On Friday night, when I should have been enjoying having my nails painted with a remembrance theme by my long suffering, doting boyfriend, instead our little party was gate crashed by Agro Anxiety. I felt him creeping up on me……. then he tapped me on the shoulder. Instead of ignoring him I made the mistake of giving him my attention and turned round to look at him.
Without warning he consumed my whole body. All of my senses.
I was no longer in the safety of my humble abode in the month of November. I was back there. It was June. I was laying in that bed. In “hotel” hospital. The pprofessionals working hard on my body to bring me back. I could hear their vioces; quick and firm, with a panicked undertone attempted to be masked with a calm exterior. As they worked I was trying to say to them “I am here, don’t let me slip away”. Only I was was slipping further and further back. I was trying to shout but no words were coming out, I was desperately trying to cling on to life but I was slipping like my hands were covered in butter.
Eventually I heard Ash and my parents and my eyes snapped open. I was back I had made it. However none of that was true. It was only a flashback. “Only” a flashback. When I thought no one could hear me and I couldn’t grab onto anything in reality I was screaming so loud my voice was scratchy and I was gripping so hard onto my bad that my knuckles were white. Then when I tried to explain to my fear filled family what had happened Agro Anxiety pulled me back. Once again it passed and I came back to reality. I was shivering yet sweating. I was petrified. I eventually managed to explain to my family but I cried for hours. I was finally calm enough for everyone to leave me and retreat to bed about 3am. However I was too scared to close my eyes. Instead a cuddled up to Grace on the sofa and watched a film.
Yesterday we all felt rough. Yet Ash came over and we had a quiet day on the sofa with brother Chris. Ash kept me safe wrapped in his arms. I finally started to feel better in the evening and thankfully had a deep much needed sleep last night.
Part of my CBT session was about acting the way you want to. Like acting calm and happy when inside you could be anxious and down. Eventually you see that this new behaviour becomes habit and true. So this is what I will do. I started off this morning messing around being my goofy self and ended up laughing not only on the outside but on the inside too!
I was very indecisive about opening up about this. Why? Because I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Ebarassed that I had lost control, ashamed about the fear I installed on my family.
So why did I decide to post this? Because I want to help break this stigma of mental health. It can happen to anyone. I want people who have been through flashbacks or anxiety to feel proud of who they are. Mental health does not define what kind of person you are. I want people to feel empowered by the fact they carry on despite whatever inner demons they may be fighting.
We can all feel the bad but we can also look for the good. I still consider myself lucky and that is what makes me smile. If you physically smile you can trick yourself into smiling for real. Try it! Ending this blog I am smiling for real…….. the sun is shining and I’ve been juiced up with B12 so parasitic pain should back off with the fatigue soon!!! I hope they take Agro Anxiety with them too!
Thank you for reading. Sharing is caring xxx